Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Full moon in Libra, and Passover Seder last night went beautifully, although in a moment of insanity I prepared enough food for thirty people, when it ended up being about twelve. Consequently, the fridge is stuffed with leftovers, but as my mother used to say, "That should be your worst problem."

There was a lovely feeling of community and sharing stories that happened, and enough Jews present who knew the rituals--always the nerve-wracking part for me, because I don't feel like I can carry a tune well enough to teach the songs and prayers to non-Jews with any accuracy. Plus, three Jews, five opinions about any given tune or interpretation, so that was good. The best, most magical part was the community that arises out of doing ritual together--everyone felt it, I think--a sense of connection, however ephemeral, in this confusing business of making human culture.

I was a bit frayed and sad before the meal began, more because my sugar relapse has gotten so severe it's seguing into binging than anything else. It's not my weight that makes me sad--I'm okay with being a bit rounder, I like my body with the extra curviness. But the old familiar feelings of being out of control, spaced out and exhausted by sugar use are creeping back in.

I know what I have to do--get really vigilant about keeping a food journal, make fresh vegetables a priority, carry healthy food with me at all times so that I never get caught hungry with poor choices, drink lots of water, and forgive myself the past months of lapsing. And exercise. As soon as I finish dealing with the dregs of the party downstairs I'll go to the gym and swim. This next month is going to be intense, with out-of-town travel and out of town guests and three of my plays getting productions plus two poetry readings plus New College graduation, plus more teaching. I want to be in shape so I can enjoy it.

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