Friday, September 10, 2010

I wish all the people who are against gay marriage could have seen the wedding we attended last weekend, between two good friends of mine. S and E have lived together nine years. They've seen each other through medical crises (brain surgery, anyone?), the serious illness of family members, world travel, and job changes. Two very different people--one impulsive and mystical, the other methodical and careful--they've been a model for me as they demonstrate how to negotiate a loving relationship.

As I struggle with the $64,000 question, "How can I be myself and be married to someone who seems at times so different, so other," they have been my inspiration. I have seen them patiently, honestly, lovingly work through conflicts that at times seemed unworkable, negotiate, and come up with elegant solutions. I have seen them both grow as individuals and evolve as a couple for nine years before this ceremony. I have witnessed their fierce commitment to keep evolving.

As E's mother remarked afterward, "I don't think there was a dry eye in the house," when they said their vows. The love was palpable. Each celebrated the kindness, compassion, strength, and playfulness the other brought to their union. I have been to many great weddings, and none better than this. Their families were also so present and accounted for; E's young nephew brought down the house when he sang a song, "which some of you may know 'cause it's from the '80s," he explained, in deference to the ancientness of many in the audience. Both sets of parents toasted and officially welcomed their new "daughter" into the family. Families like these show what kind of world could be possible, for all of us.

Also, and not incidentally--everyone was having a hell of a good time. Dancing, singing, mingling. C took about a million photos and they also had an official photographer there, so it was a well-documented fest.

If anyone wants to put this marriage up against Pam Anderson marrying the latest guy to pay her gambling debts in Las Vegas, feel free. As for me, I'm going to continue to seek wisdom and inspiration from people who have done the hard good work of learning how to communicate, how to be independent and yet intimate, honest and kind, fully themselves and also fully engaged with each other.

7 comments:

David Shearer said...

Very well said, Allison. The very idea of denying any couple the right the marry, regardless of your personal conviction, just seems impertinent.

Anonymous said...

To say nothing of UNCONSTITUTIONAL and barbaric and prejudiced and homophobic

Alison said...

I actually do think that gay marriage "threatens" heterosexual marriage--just because it sets the bar so damn high! My gay and lesbian married friends have demonstrated so much devotion and integrity and courage in their relationships that they make the rest of us look a little lazy sometimes...but I'm happy for the inspiration!

Anonymous said...

thanks for posting this poetry-in- motion relationship story. there is hope. i am crying...

Anonymous said...

i am glad you did not change the name of this blog from "see how we almost fly" to something else. this title is very telling with poignant meaning...

Anonymous said...

anyone who chooses to enter into a legal marriage is warmly welcome to do so, in my worldview. But I have to say that I don't quite get why gays, or straights, see marriage as such a desirable institution. I get commitment to love, commitment to partnering. . . but the legal institution of marriage -- the state cannot legislate spiritual commitment, can it? -- legal marriage is rooted in male patriarchal property rights. Gosh, not much more than 100 years ago, women were chattel. And in marriage, a woman was owned by her hsuband and her children became his chattel. I don't get why gays want to join that club.

I get filing joint tax returns, inheritance rights, making health care decisions, health insurance.

I don't get the marriage part, esp. when it is rooted in ecclessiastical law. And marriage in our common law legal tradition is very very definitely rooted in ecclessiastical law that gave women no legal standing. Marriage entered our common law to clarify male property rights. . . it sprang from spiritual to legal. Marriage, in my opinion, is all about the dominator culture.

But if any two people love each other and seek the imprimatur of the social institution to feel more secure or whatever about their commitment to one another, truly I do not begrudge them this validation.

I just don't get why gays, esp. lesbians, want into the patriachy in this way.

Alison said...

That's a really interesting point. What you say about the patriarchy is true. And yet. And yet. I wish you could have seen my friend E this morning. Over a week after her wedding and she still hasn't come down yet. She's glowing like the sun, with a car trunk full of leftover wine, and a stack of thank you notes to write. The ritual was transformative for her. it was everything she dreamed it would be and more. Would it have changed anything spiritually if it had been legally binding>? I don't know. Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love and has since written a book called Committed about marriage says that gays and lesbians are refurbishing the antiquated old institution, dusting it off, making it new.